Fed up of being fed up.

Well, as predicted, my feelings of isolation and irritation came to head. Probably not in the healthiest manner, but they came to a head. As I can't actually talk about this to anyone (physically I can't, I have tried, the words don't work) I'm going to attempt to get some of it out here.

One of my friends, who I love dearly, complains an inordinate amount for someone who has got into her first choice uni twice, is engaged to be married and whose fiance can afford to support her while she studies again. She is currently doing a course which I was forced to leave as I was failing. When she was out of uni she was never unemployed for more than a month. She hates the cold and wet weather but she decided to stay here rather than moving back to her Meditteranean homeland after uni. I can normally let all this drop and just bob along happily. However, when she started complaining about her course, brushing over how upset I was about moving and still finding things to complain about it started to grate on me. This woman cannot not complain. If she's hungry then we all have to suffer, even if we're all starving as well. This one is particularly relevant as my husband eats like a horse and people often ignore the fact he's hungry and tell him he can wait.

Yesterday, while discussing plans for a mutual friend's birthday in two weeks time she announced that she had had "The WORST dining experience" at a place we all love. I said "Yeah, but you've had a bad experience everywhere." She then got upset, apparently I say this all the time, everytime she bitches about something (bands she's seen are rarely good in her opinion even if other people liked them) and asked me to list the places she had complained about. I left and locked myself in a bathroom. Unfortunately we were at the cinema at the time and the film was going to be starting to I had to go back, I put my hood up and sat there crying in silence for a while before I started recovring, knowing full well what was coming a tthe end of the movie.

As the credits rolled my husband asked me if I was ok (after asking me to put my hood down and be less aggressive and taking the other girls side earlier on). I said I wasn't looking forward to what was coming. Right enough, just as he was telling me to get over it and apologise and I was shouting at him that I didn't want to apologise, my friend appeared in front of me. She told me that I constantly criticise her and that she knows she's a pain the ass but she feels she can't say anything to me as I'll tell her she's wrong. I tried to get my side out but she kept speaking. When she finished her bit she walked off, leaving me sitting in the dark. My husband walked after her and after a few minutes she came back. By this point I was hysterical, there was nothing I could say. She sat down and asked me if I hate her which made everything worse.

In the end, instead of my cool, calm "You complain an inordinate amount and it makes me feel like shit as you live a charmed life." I blubbered my way round saying that I miss everyone (this is hard for her too apparently) that I haven't coped at all with the move (but you're doing so well, you never told me you're not coping, well, actually I did and that very same night you told me I was doing great) that I didn't hate her but that I couldn't listen to her bitch about the course I so wanted to succeed with and that I was sorry for snapping, but I couldn't help how I felt.

I still think I was easy on her. I told my husband what had been said and he agrees that I was right to apologise, but seems unsure how else to act. He agrees with me about her complaining, lots of people do, but noone ever says anything, so because it was me that snapped first I am now the bad guy. Fabby do. And I don't buy the "It's just as hard for her to have to miss you as it for you to miss her." balls for a minute, I have left EVERYTHING and EVERYONE behind and every Sunday morning I look on facebook and find their photos and chat from the night before and I feel incredibly lost. How is that as hard for her as it for me?

So now I have two weeks until I'm back again, for another birthday. I promised to see her, and I will, but I can't help but wonder how things will change, as they undoubtedly will. The last time something like this happened it eventually got easier between her and the other girl, but they to this day see each other every week. What am I supposed to do? She wants me to talk to her more, tell her how I'm feeling, talk to her if I'm not coping, but I don't know what else I can do. She's extremely blase about stuff like my having suffered with depression, in fact she thought it was extremely weird when I was happy yo be on happy pills, when for me it was a moment of salvation and of seeing a break in the clouds. The truth is, I talk to the few people who has seen that I'm struggling, because they have made the link, they have seen, and they have admitted how they feel. There is a lot for me to say if I'm going to fill her in.