Nearly New Year...

...and I'm getting excited! My parents are *touch wood* flying down tomorrow while I do my last four hour shift of the year then we're driving across the country to see my aunt and her family for Hogmanay! Then I've got three days off to chill with the family before I go back to work. And talking of work, my job has been made permanent! :D Very excited bunny I am, chuffed to little mint balls. I am the cat with the canary, cream and kittens. Epic :D

So, I've painted my nails, sorted my clothes and packed and I'm ready to go. I have a massive spot on my chin, but my skin hates me, so I'm going to ignore it. My makeup is all still under the stairs but I'll get there eventually. My mum called earlier and told me that she'd been sent a shopping list by my aunt. It consisted of whisky, coke and gin. I've even made a cheesecake. Perhaps my family will be more gracious than my in laws. Note my lack of posting about Christmas. There are reasons for that. I shall post the good aspects as best I can.

I got a ring, it's a replacement for the ring my husband bought me for my 18th birthday and I love it. I got a bracelet from my work that I adore. I got a necklace from my cousin (yes, the one who decided I was evil last week, it was clearly posted before she decided I was "an ignorant twat") They all match :) My mum did us a sampler commemorating our wedding. We've been married three and a half years, but it's gorgeous all the same :) My husband and I loved the dinner I cooked.

I'm going to start a 365 project on New Year's Day. I've just set up my account. I tried to start one earlier this year but my camera broke. Hopefully this time round I'll have better luck :) My friend the bunny is doing it as well, so we can chivy each other along!

So, for now I'm going to get some sleep (even though it is only 10pm) in preparation for being up at 7am then celebrating New Year. I haven't been up at 7am on Hogmanay since I was four. I like my sleep! I wont get on again as my aunt doesn't have internet (I know, I know!) So Happy New Year, and I'll see you on the other side.

Twas the night before Christmas...

...and all through the house, the in-laws were sleeping, the hubsand too, and the neighbours are making reindeer footprints in the snow. The wife, meanwhile is torturing herself. Not quite got a great ring to it. But it's the truth noentheless. I cannot stop thinking "What if?" and "When?" I know we're not in a financial position to have children right now but I cannot stop myelf longing for them. And that aches, almost as much as the pain in my knee brought about by the cold weather. But enough of my whining. Noone I can say this to hasn't heard it before.

My mother in law has pushed my husband over the edge and she's now pissing him off as much as me which is epic. It means that next year we wont have this shit as he wont want her around either. Magic. Today at work was pretty good, ended with some wine with my co-workers after closing early which was just delightful. Haven't stopped drinking since and we've made out way through winter Pimm's and mulled wine while making cheesecake for tomorrow, braising red cabbage and finishing the soup for tomorrow's starter :)

We're going to have a white Christmas. Unless some weird miracle comes about in the next 26 minutes then for at least part of Christmas day there will be snow. I haven't seen snow on Christmas for over ten years :)

My mum text me earlier, telling me she loves me and that she can't wait to see me next week. I can't wait to see her either. It's most bizarre not seeing my mum Christmas week and it's starting to upset me. Never mind. We're grown ups now and as I said myself not long ago, you can't have it both ways. Either you assert independence and move out or you live at home.

So for now I'm going to read with Jean-Claude for a while, see in Christmas day alone as everyone is in bed, then get some sleep for tomorrow. I'm also tracking Santa, who is currently over Guinea, so when he passes me I shall wave to him. Then I shall look to next year next week, and in the meantime drink my (not-unsubstantial) weight in wine and try and relax.

Until next time, sweet dreams, safe journeys and I hope you all have a great Christmas.

One glass of wine later...

...and I'm far more relaxed. Today was my last day off before Christmas, and I spent it being annoyed with my husband as he had a snow day. Which is ridiculous, but I like having my day off alone. I'm calm now, after a bath and a glass of white wine. I also did loads of baking today, a chocolate cake in place of a Christmas cake, I marzipanned and iced some Brack (Yorkshire teacake) and made the soup for Christmas dinner.

I'm very sleepy right now, which is undoubtedly due to the huge amount of time I'm spending at work or drinking, we had our Christmas night out on Saturday which was epic. We had loads of fun and a good dance and I even managed to hide how drunk I was from my manager! Win. Only three more days to Christmas though, so no time to be sleepy! I've bought myself some winter Pimm's in for Christmas Eve (well, it's normal Pimm's, I couldn't get Pimm's No3 anywhere so I'm making do) and after work we're having a few drinks, then I'm going to come home to some of that and finish getting ready the Christmas dinner. Epic.

I'm also having very bad thoughts about someone other than my husband. He's a fictional French vampire called Jean-Claude and he makes me somewhat hot under the collar. In my head he's somewhere between Orlando Bloom and Stuart Townsend... He hasn't made his way into my dreams yet but everytime I read one of these books he does. I look forward to it ;) Random moment of the day: When my friend the bunny and I made a deal to not argue over men, she can have the werewolves and I'll have the vampires...

My mentalist cousin started again tonight. Apparently we all treat her "appaulingly". Oh well. She hasn't deleted us all from facebook yet this time. I await it with bated breath *rolls eyes* I'm THIS close to deleting her and having done with it but I am too eager to keep the peace, my other cousins see her a lot, and I don't want to make this any more difficult than it needs to be. Although I've just checked facebook again to find her still spouting off to members of the other side of my family and quoting me out of context to "prove" her point. Excellent. So much for being calm. I know this will blow over, it always does, but I don't want to take this anymore.

Oh well, I'll hide her updates, make my settings as private as I can get them and wait for it all to blow over. What's the point? For now I'm going to watch Russell Howard, finish my wine and go to bed with Jean-Claude *swoons* Then hopefully tomorrow my two younger cousins will get over (the snow's Hellish and they've been stuck, we were for a while but they're a bit more rural than us so the snow plows haven't made it to them yet) and we can relax a bit together. I think I'll go give my husband a hug as well, I was a bit mean to him today. The monkeys in my family tree set me on edge before the day even started, he didn't stand a chance!

Until next time, I'll quote the number nine song in the chart (the number one is a bit heavy for this time of night) and tell you to not stop believin', who knows, one day you might be pleasantly surprised :)

Well I'm back...

Two posts in one day! No the world is not coming to an end, but as promised, I have been thinking about my earlier post. While I was doing that I was baking. I couldn't find my favourite gingerbread recipe though and happened to post on facebook that I'd lost the recipe. Immediately one of my friends posted that she was going to ask for it and that it sucked I couldn't find it. I've since spent an hour trying to recreate it, two failed batches later and I've got a promising looking one in the oven!

It made me think though, about the things I like about myself, as opposed to the things I don't. And in turn the things other people like about me. So. To counteract the maudlin post from this morning I am going to post the good things about me, either that I think or that people have said to me.

My mad baking skillz. Crack brownies and gingerbread do not become of high demand on their own!

My eye for colour and decoration and my creativity. There's an arist inside me dying to get out. I did the headpieces for both mine and my mother's weddings and I am to this day designing toys, headresses, tiaras and decorations. My husband, the eternal scrooge, even commented on how nice the Christmas tree looked this year.

Similarly, my eye for photographs. I'm not a particularly good photographer but every so often I acheive the effect I was after and am extremely proud of myself.

I learn quickly. I can take in immense amounts of information fast and put it to use. My latest job is a testament to this, while I'm still asking questions there is a lot to learn and I usually only ask once.

My eyes. I know I mentioned them before but I feel they deserve a real mention. They are pedominantly brown but have green in them and a dark chocolatey ring around the iris. I have almost amber flecks as well as almost black ones and they almost always have a spark in them as I'm trying to keep my sense of humour in check.

My sense of humour. It's not the same as most peoples, dry does not even cover it, it's drier than the Sahara in summer. But it keeps me amused. I can think dark thoughts to myself and laugh about my ability to keep myself smiling. I have one or two friends who truly appreciate it and I love the inevitable zeitgeist that is a result of us trying to hold a conversation.

The fact I've overcome what threatened to be a serious alcohol problem. I knew I drank too much, everyone else did, and some told me. I spent the majority of mornings with a hangover, missed classes at uni and even went to work in a school hungover at one point. But one day I just stopped. There are undoubtely nights where I overdo it now, but my first reaction to a bad day is no longer to open the wine bottle. I will often have a glass of an evening, but I no longer need it and can go for weeks without drinking and without even missing it.

My taste in music! It is beyond eclectic, meaning I can be in almost any company and happily listen to the music around us. I can also always find something to make me smile :)

My spirit. I'm known for being bubbly, happy, cheerful and relaxed. And despite this morning's post, for the most part I do what I want, when I want to. For example, taking baths in the afternoon. It drives my husband mad, and most people don't understand it, but I do it anyway. Similarly drinking pints, cutting my own hair, having 13 piercings, five tattoos and more books than fit into my living room.

My singing voice. My confidence in that took a knock when I started singing pub kareoke two years ago, but I have spent my life being told I can sing, so I refuse to let one pub load of people tell me I'm bad. I love to sing, and do it often without realising I'm doing it. People at school always commented on it. I hum a lot as well, especially at this time of year :)

I'm smiling again now, so I'll leave it there, go for an afternoon bath and sing along to the TV, Fairytale of New York atm :) Until next time, Happy Christmas your arse, I pray God it's our last...

Contemplating thinking about thinking...

Something one of my best friends said struck a chord with me about a week and a half ago but I've only got round to thinking about it properly over the last two days when I've been off work.

I've always been very inwardly harsh on myself, while portraying a face of confidence and not caring about what people think of me. But I was never aware that I was letting this get out of hand. I do have what I call "The voices" which surface when I am struggling with depression, they tell me I am fat, that my friends are talking about me and don't really like me, that I wont ever amount to anything, that I'll never have children, that I don't do enough around the house, that my husband will see all these things and leave me. But the voices are often quite dormant, leaving me with a few insecurities and niggles, but mainly fine.

On the day that this thing was said I was having a mild anxiety attack that threatened to reduce me to tears in a cafe where I was eating with friends. I was feeling that noone was listening to me, that I was uninteresting and that I was underdressed. These three things built up over the course of a few hours and I eventually took myself off to the toilets, laid my head against the wall to cool off and text my friend to tell her how I was feeling. She text me back "Are you feeling ok? I have to say, you are often very hard on yourself, but you looked gorgeous this morning!"

I started to wonder if I really am too hard on myself. If I look at myself objectionally I know I am overweight, but 99% of the time I don't care. I have always been overweight, I was this weight when I get married and the only time I've been smaller was in 2007 when I lost four stone. I put it all back on in the great will power drought of 2008... But I'm not that stressed. But when it gets me it gets me hard. I love my eyes, I think they're my best asset, and my hair is always getting me compliments. So I'm not ugly.

I dress comfortably and have two looks, comfortable in jeans, Vans or Converse, layered tops and a hoodie, or glam with long black trousers, a pretty top and almost gothic makeup. I know what suits me and I work my assests (boobs, eyes and a waist dspite being overweight) to my best advantage. So I know I'm rarely under or overdressed because I judge the situation and wear one of my two looks, dressing it up or down as I see fit (on this particular occasion I was wearing very similar clothes to my three friends).

I know that people sometimes stop listening to me. I talk a lot. I go into a lot of siatuations willing myself to keep my mouth shut, often I slip up, and so expect it when people don't listen.

But am I too hard on myself? I struggle so much with daily tasks simply because I analyse every single reaction, but to be honest, it had never occured to me that other people didn't. Do other people go through life letting things go so much more eaily than I do that they do not over analyse conversations until they find everything out that they can, do they not worry for days about tiny things? Is this why I suffer so much with my mental health? Because there IS a problem in my psyche? Ironically, I am the first to tell my friends that they're being too hard on themselves. I have talked many friends out of fits and tearful episodes, talked them up, told them to be easier on themselves, but when it comes to myself I can't do it. But I don't tell anyone, so when I tell them to do it they trust me, after all, I'm this confident being who doesn't care what people think...

I don't know the answers yet. I'm struggling even writing the questions down. I'm trying to decide if things really were better when I was slimmer, or if I just think they should have been, trying to decide if I'm too hard on myself, trying to decide if I should stop giving out the confident facade I present every day. I am trying to talk to my friends more about how I'm feeling, the day to day things, and I try to tell my husband, who insists he wants to know, but he's a whole other post for a whole other day.

So, I'm going to go away and think about what I've said, eat some lunch and finish tidying the house for Christmas. Until next time, be good to yourself, eat that extra piece of cake and do whatever makes you feel better.

I must be mad...

Well today is Thursday. Tomorrow is Friday 11th December which means I'm working til half four, getting in the car and being driven back to the big city for a Christmas party with my husband's ex colleagues, starting at eight. We're then spending the night down there with friends and then I'm getting the train back up on Saturday morning to be at work by 12 on Satuday afternoon... I must be mad. But let it never be said I don't make the effort!

Speaking of making the effort, I wrote a long rambly email, to the friend I fell out with, last night in the hopes of making some amends. I guess we'll just have to see how it pans out... I told her how I'm doing and asked about her and her fiance, I'm still feeling some resentment about Saturday night and a lot of people are not replying to me atm so I'm feeling a bit rough around the edges. I knew last weekend would be the last time I saw them all before Christmas, probably until January, but it's still hitting me quite hard.

I'm being reminded on a daily basis that we haven't met anyone except people we work with yet, especially as I wrote the Christmas cards over the last two days. I've got to take them to work with me today to get them posted. I'm doing a late shift as it's late night opening so have plenty of time to get to the post office before work. I've got two to send overseas, not sure if I've missed the posting deadline though... I probably have, but it's the thought that counts!

My mum is here tonight, this calls for pizza and wine and relaxing before tomorrow's epic journey to dinner. Her younger sister will be here as well, my baby cousin's mother, so it should be a good night. They're on their way back from visiting the mafia down South. We're also spending New Year with them and my manky boy cousin (TM) so that's something to look forward to. I am currently envisioning my baby cousin and I getting closer as we're both a little isolated up here, but then again, she's talking about moving away for uni, so maybe not.

So that's me. Melancholy thy name is Ophelia. I'm off now to get into my uniform and get off into town. Until next time, we only part to meet again.

Pictures!

Okie doke, first up, my new necklace and earrings.


This was meant to be a shot of my cleavage taken by one of the lads, but it shows them off quite nicely :D











Next up, my Christmas tree! It's a bit of a funny shade as I was trying to be arty and take pics of the lights flickering but it wasn't happening. However, rest assured that after an hour of playing with light bulbs we finally got a set going that flicker, glow and chase to their hearts' content!











Third, my sparkly red nails! Pic's not brilliant, but you get the idea :D

And we thought confetti got everywhere?!

Yesterday some friends and I went in a giant snowglobe ( http://thegiantsnowglobe.com ). It was truly epic. But now there is snow EVERYWHERE! The snow was actually shredded plastic carrier bags but it got in hair, stuck to hair wax, went down necks (and jeans!) and stuck to anything vaguely woolen. I just put a jumper in the washing machine and a handful of snow fell out of the kangaroo pocket...

The weekend was a roaring success. The birthday girl had a fab time, everyone got on well, my friend from south had fun and there was only minor tension between myself and the friend who had fallen out, despite me getting upset on Saturday night. But apparently I'm supposed to suck it up. Thanks. Still, I am apparently better at it than I thought and managed to enoy the rest of the night after my husband accused me of being unreasonable (other people agreed with me but seriously, I'm over it). He nearly found himself glassed. But I refrained. Get me :P He did stick up for me a few hours later so I suppose I should let him off...

I got a few early Christmas presents, photos, as ever, to follow, I promise a picture post later today when I've collected them all together :)

We're going to buy a Christmas tree tonight! :D I've cleared the space in the living room already and when my husband gets home we're going to head to the shop for one. I would have gone out to the garage to get the Christmas lights and checked them but the smart cookie I'm married to went to work with the garage keys in his pocket *rolls eys* Oh well. We'll just have to keep our fingers crossed... Just watching Love Actually to get in the mood :D I'll take you down, I'll take you down...

I'm absolutely exhausted today though. It's quite strange, I slept for about eleven hours last night (after worrying myself daft about a lost earring, it turned up this morning thankfully) but my get up and go has got up and gone! I've spent most of the day in an arm chair knitting a giraffe. Very surreal sentence... Tempted to blame mother nature and my tendency towards iron deficiency . I think chocolate is clearly the answer. Lots of chocolate... I'm cold as well, which would support my theory...

Right, I'm going to turn the heating up and open my advent calendar :) I'll be back later with pics of everything I've promised photos of so far, plus my Christmas decs :)

Sharing the earwormy goodness!

I gotta feelin', that tonight's gonna be a good night, that tonight's gonna be a great night...

Oh yes, Friday is finally here ladies and gentlemen! I have had to clean my nail polish off as it was knackered beyond all repair after three days at work and an hour of house work (just about done now, need to chuck some stuff in the washing machine but need to wait for my husband's stuff after work so essentially I'm done)

Just watching a little daytime TV (Friends and the Big Bang Theory) then I'm off for a bath, will put my hair up and do my makeup so that I just have to get changed and head to the restaurant when we get there tonight. Then I need to tidy all the presents and gift wrap that are lying around my living room as tonight, in our absence, my mother and aunt are staying in my house on their way to see the rest of the mafia. Most of it's easy enough as two piles are going South with us but there are a few bits and pieces still not wrapped that need loading into the crate in the one corner we have left and a stack of wrapping paper that needs a new home!

Work is good. Everything has improved massively and I was even the first person to get into the lucky dip for a big sale in the run up to Christmas :D I managed to leave my prize in the office when I left yesterday as I was running to catch a bus but the excitement will still be there Monday *rolls eyes*

Right, I'm off to paint my nails, eat something (not sure about the order of those two activities, but both need doing) and pack! Tonight promises to be fabulous, have already had a text asking about my plans for before the meal (too busy!) and I can't wait to see everyone!

Tomorrow is for lunch with friends, then German Market with other friends. Cannot wait! *dances about*

Right, now I'm going before I explode all over the computer screen...

CRASH!

Everyone I've spoken to who took part (which to be fair is only one other person and her sister in law), is in the midst of a post NaNo crash now. It's quite draining trying to write 50000 coherent words in 27 days...

Tonight my baby cousin is saying again. No drinking tonight, I'm working at nine am and it's delivery day. She's revelling in us having internet she can connect to! We're both sitting typing away while watching Mock The Week and I wait for my laundry to finish. After work tomorrow we're going to go shopping for a bit and then to see Paranormal Activity :)

Work was really good today. I feel a lot more positive about it all now that I did the other day, even the staff who were nipping me the other day have backed off, so hopefully that means my baptism by fire is over. My lady should be coming back tomorrow for my first big diamond sale so I'm very excited!

I've wrapped a load of my Christmas presents tonight, some need posting and some need taking away with us this weekend so it made sense. I normall wait until my Christmas tree is up and do them by the light of the fairy lights but we're not putting the tree up until next week which is going to be too late for getting everything sent out as this year, for the first time, we're not going home for Christmas. My in-laws are coming to us (after complaints, guilt trips and rants, seriously, the woman is demented) and my parents are coming down for New Year so we will see everyone, but we will need to send them their things earlier than normal.

I've also got velvety red roses in. Aside from lillies, roses are my favourite flowers, and these ones stand out beautifully from my white walls. I am very pleased with them. Even if I did have to buy them myself...

My nails are painted a Christmassy, sparkly red. Again, now I've figured out the photo uploading system I shall post pics once I've touched them up (my job is tough on nails!) You might also get a pic of my gorgeous new party top! Very much looking forward to this weekend, I'm seeing all the usual suspects but also a friend I saw rarely even when we lived back in the city due to geography and circumstance, and a friend I see once or twice a year who is flying up from the Deep South for the weekend! Extremely excited as we plan to take a trip around the German Market, drink some mulled wine, some German beer and eat crepes and waffles as well as see some other friends and their gorgeous children, celebrate a birthday and chill for a day. It promises to be epic. I have new pyjamas and new bed socks and shorter hair than I've had for a while (dead ends from a bleaching dare in April have resulted in me gettin frustrated and cutting inches off at a time of late) which I think I'm going to dye bright red on Thursday night after work so it's fresh for Friday night, when we are going to a fabulous Mongolian Buffet. It's all very exciting :)

Now I am rambling and I'm very tired, so I'm going to sort my laundry and go to bed.

Until next time, I will mainly be singing Winter Wonderland, now maybe you will too...