The Butterfly Effect.

Since announcing the move I have mainly worried about the effect the move and my news is going to have on other people. I have stressed about how my friends would react and I've worried about how they're going to cope. One of my friends even said "Well, we'll be sad to see you go, but we'll all keep in touch, I have Steven's number and they come to the pub every week now anyway, it's not that far away."

Now while I appreciate that people I have introduced will continue to be friends in my absence, the fact that someone was focussing on how their friendships would survive in the same sentence as saying Goodbye to our friendship sucks a bit. Tonight was our last night in the pub. And it was great to see so many of my friends out. The kareoke host made a point of telling people it was my last night and I got to say Goodbye to the bar staff, regulars and some of my friends. But some of my friends left early and are essentially ignoring the move.

I have no problem with people doing whatever they want. And this wasn't our official leaving night, that's next week. But when I burst into tears just after midnight I realised that the remaining four people were the ones who have given me the most support (with one notable exception who couldn't be there tonight). Me. The person who is moving away from all her friends, her house, her life. Because while I appreciate that some of my friends are upset, some aren't and some are focussing on other things (work/uni/recent cinema releases) I am struggling with the fact that I am worrying so much about keeping my friends happy that the fact I am going to be living three hours away from everything I know is slipping by and it's assumed that I want to move. I don't. I never did. But I don't have a job, and I do have a husband. Who I promised to love and to be with for better, for worse and 'til death. Ok, there wasn't a clause in our vows about accepting jobs in faraway lands, but that doesn't mean I get to bail, or that I even want to. I just wish there had been some way to combine my husband being offered a great job with being able to stay near my friends.

So now I'm left to wonder, what happens next? I have absolutely no doubt that some of my friends and I will stay as close as we ever were. We will still speak every day, still fall out over stupid details and still meet on Wednesdays for trips to the cinema when we're all free during the day. We will form stupid groups on facebook, send song lyrics in text messages and share knitting patterns, baking recipes, good wine, the newest ice cream flavour we've discovered and book recommendations. But what of the others? Those who will throw a strop over a throwaway comment that the others would laugh at. Those who cannot accept tardiness or late plans, how will those be affected by someone living three hours away? What about the ones who only stay in touch because we see each other once a week. What of those who stay in friendships only for the self-affirming nature of them, what happens to them when someone cannot converse on a daily basis, waxing lyrical of the benfits and beauty of said friendship?

I do not know any of these answers. But I know that those who do stay in touch will be the ones worth staying in touch with. So I look forward to learning...